My Friend Is Dating a Loser & I Just Can’t Take It Anymore
WTF are they thinking? You know your best friend inside and out, and you never would have thought they’d go for someone this pathetic. You’re not sure why they’re dating a loser but every time you hang out with them, you pretty much have to staple your mouth shut so you don’t scream “ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK? HOW COULD YOU BE DATING THIS LOSER???”
Settle. Breathe. You got this.
At one point or another everyone has a friend who dates someone they can’t bloody stand. But you’ve got a couple of questions to answer to justify your disdain. So get out a pen and paper.
Question 1: Why don’t you like them?
Is this new SO a freeloader? Are they mooching off your friend’s finances? Flirting with other people? Cheating? or otherwise disrespecting your friend?
If you answered yes to any these questions then your disdain is legitimate and coming from a place of concern. Talk to your friend about your concerns and tell them why you think this relationship is not healthy and that they deserve better. Once you’ve expressed your concerns, don’t address the issue again unless your friend brings it up. If you consistently tell your friend that they’re dating a loser you run the risk of pushing them right into the arms of their subpar SO.
Additionally, finding this person annoying or gross are not legitimate reasons to spurn someone your friend presumably loves.
If what you dislike about this person is more topical than skin deep it may be time to ask yourself what really is stopping you from liking this person? Are you feeling replaced by this new SO and these feelings of neglect have made you resent this person? Are you a little jealous because you’re not dating anyone at the moment? Whatever the reason might be, be honest with yourself and consider the fact that this may be more about you than your friend’s new squeeze.
Question 2: Have you given him or her a second chance?
Not everyone makes a great first impression. They could have been in a bad mood or simply exhausted the day you met.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and a few chances to redeem themselves. Make an effort to have a conversation and learn more about who they are and what they like. For your friend’s sake try to forge a common bond. Who knows? You might just discover some redeeming qualities about them and your friend may not be dating a loser after all!
Question 3: Can you hang out with your friend solo?
If your friend’s relationship is brand new, you can bet that they will be spending all of their time with this person. If you’ve sincerely given this person the benefit of the doubt and they are still as odious as they seem, then it’s time for some strategic planning.
Plan activities for two that casually exclude the SO; like a spa day or concert tickets. Don’t insult your friend by asking them to not bring their SO. It’s better if you plan things specifically for the two of you so that you are guaranteed some one on one time.
Question 4: Are you commiserating with other friends behind their back?
If you are, then stop. As long as this person is not disrespecting your friend then be supportive. They are probably excited about dating this new person and want to share their excitement with you.
It’s hard enough dealing with your friend’s new relationship, don’t add to the complication by gossiping behind their back. If it gets back to your friend that you think they’re dating a loser, and it invariably will, it will sow distrust between the two of you and do permanent damage to your friendship.
Question 5: Do you think you can just wait this one out?
If you’ve tried everything and just can’t bear being around them, then maybe it’s time to just wait it out. Trust that your friend will take your advice to heart or come to their senses and seek out a better, more deserving partner.
In the meantime rethink how you’re spending your time, and catch up on things you’ve been wanting to do. Don’t feel obligated to say yes every time your friend asks you to hang out with the two of them. Take some time for yourself or get together with people you wouldn’t normally hang out with. This may be an opportunity to build relationships with new people.
The fact that you can’t stand the company of your friend’s latest fling, isn’t worth the risk of losing a precious friendship. Rather than focusing on the bad, find the opportunities this change has afforded you.
IMPORTANT: If there is any suspicion that there’s something potentially dangerous about this relationship, like drug or alcohol problems, emotional or physical abuse, then firmly express your concerns to your friend and help them get access to resources that will get them out of this situation.